3 months

Today, 3 months ago my life changed forever. It has been a rough weekend....grief is just so unpredictable. Honestly, I haven't had much time to grieve...I feel like I am like a chicken with my head cut off. It has been so busy. I have been working full time (teaching and daycare), running like crazy, training/disciplining Kman, going to all Mark's baseball games....etc. I think grief catches up to you though....and it has this weekend. I just really miss Ben, plain and simple. At times, it seems so hard...I am a twin and it seems so unfair that I am here without him. I understand the reality that he is in a better place and someday I will be there too....but, sometimes in the day to day it seems unfair.
Three months ago he was still alive (he passed on the 6th a little before 9pm)....being kept alive I should say. My mom and I were talking today and saying that he could potentially still be alive....it was the hardest and yet the easiest decision of our lives. Hard to be selfless and say goodbye and make the choice to take him off life suport but easy in the sense that we knew we would be delaying his encounter with our Saviour if we kept him on life support. I replay that moment over and over, and at times I hear myself saying "did i really watch my brother die?" "did it really happen?". I don't want to go back and relive those times, however, I often replay it in my head....I don't know why, I just do. I think partly because it keeps me connected to Ben in a way....
I can't remember if I already posted about the last moments of Ben's life....but, when we knew he wasn't with us anymore all I could do was picture his passionate self running arms open to the Lord....and his struggles were/are over....I repeated to him "you made it Ben, I am so proud of you". I am so proud of my brother-he has taught me so much...and I am sorry it took his death for me to realize the impact he had on my life. Ben was so loved, and he loved so. I want to remember all the good times I had with him...and that is what I am doing today....and I miss him.

Long Run

Yesterday was my 10 mile run. It was amazing. There were times it felt really difficult, but then there were times it felt amazing. I was able to just run, think, pray and enjoy God's nature. It took me an 1 hour and 40 minutes (which was my goal time). My neighbor let me borrow her forerunner 405 sports watch...oh my goodness, never knew they made something like that. It is a GPS for runners...it tracks your miles, pace, time, calories and more. It was amazing....till I looked online and saw that they cost $300!! Oh well, she said I could borrow it for my long runs on Sundays. I don't even feel that sore today, and feel like running. Although, I won't because I know my body needs a break. Can anyone guess how many calories I burned running 10 miles??






Ok, I burned 1,300 calories! Oh my goodness, I was soo hungry all day!!

So, this weeks running is intense and I hope I can get it all in. It is gonna be a busy week. Mark has the EF leadership conference and it is also his last week coaching baseball so we will see how much I can get in.

This is my schedule:
Tuesday 6 miles
Wednesday 8 miles
Thursday 6 miles
Saturday 4 miles
Sunday 10 miles

I have pictures of some of me runs....but I can't get them to download...maybe next post I will have figured it out.

I did it.

(after the race, back home)

Well, I ran the 10K....it wasn't pretty but I did it! I had/have a chest cold and so every time I tried to speed up I would start coughing so I was limited in my speed. But, I did it and it felt good. I tell you running is such a outlet for me and with all that is going on in my life running has become a peaceful, motivating-God time for me. It felt great to cross the finish line and see Mark and Kyle cheering for me!
There is definitely a lot of room for improvement as I ran it in 58 minutes...I'd like to run it about 8-10 minutes faster! Now, I have another 5K and 10K in June and then a 5 mile run, and a 15K in July and few others in August and the finale....the marathon in September. I have a lot of work to do. This week I plan on running:
5 Miles today
8 Miles tomorrow
5 Miles on Thursday
4 Miles on Saturday
10 Miles on Sunday
(my biggest fan...and soon to be runner!)
It has been busy as Mark is gone most nights coaching baseball....so I will do my best to get all the training in!

Getting ready for the Lilac Festival 10K

So, I haven't ran quite as much as I planned this week....Kman got sick and I had a crazy week at work. But, I did get most of if done. I am trying not to be hard myself as life is unpredictable and I am trying to get all my runs in...but it doesn't always work. I have run everyday I have needed to....just cut one of the 5 miles down to 4 and the 6 mile to 4.5.
Here is a before the race picture....I love all the T's I get for running in the races!
I'll post pics of the race tomorrow.

Oh, and here is my handsome little man. I love him so much.

Training

Ok, so I have decided to record my marathon training and progress on this blog....not that anyone cares, but so that I can see how far I have come. I love running!! I started running in college because I played basketball, but was a bench warmer, and on weekend trips we would go out to eat for every meal....and because I wasn't playing in the games much I was packing on the pounds! I started running every game day and surprisingly I loved it. Before Kman I trained for a marathon....I got up to running 16 miles...but then never ran the stinkin' thing. I can't even remember why. Then these last 3 years or so I haven't worked out or ran much at all, it just never seemed to work out. Now that Kman is older it is easier to leave him with Mark and go for a long run. I think when people decide to run marathons it is often not about running so much...as much as I like to run, deciding to take on the challenge had little to do with running. Honestly, I am doing it for my brother, and also because life is a marathon and it is hard and running a marathon is hard, but getting through and trusting the Lord along the way and finishing the race can be done! Did you know that only 1 in a thousand Americans run in a marathon each year? So, I am gonna do my best to train and do it! I don't run fast....I run about a 9 and a half minute to 10 minute mile. My goal is to do the marathon with 10 minute miles, which means I'd like to do it in 4 hours and 20 minutes. But, as long as I finish I am happy regardless of my time. I plan on running the Rochester Marathon in September. Oh, and I have lost 15 pounds from my highest weight...and have about 15 more to lose....maybe running will help ;)!

This week's training:
Sunday- I ran 9 miles
Monday- off
Tuesday-5miles
Wednesday - 6 miles
Thursday- 5 miles
Friday - off
Saturday- 4 miles
Sunday- I am running in the Lilac Festival's 10K =)

Basically, the schedule consists of a long run on Sundays...starting with 9 miles and moving up to 20-22 a few weeks before the race. Then shorter 4-8 miles 3 days a week....with an easy week every 4th week. (there was another whole training schedule before this...that helped you just run about 25 miles a week for several months....which I have done...well, only for 2 and a half months...but enough to feel comfortable with upping my mileage).

So, I'll keep you posted on my progress.

HOPE

It has been a very long time since I have blogged....to be honest life has knocked the wind out of me this last year. A lot has been going on, some of which I can't share and some of which I can. First, our little man is 3 and half now (can you even believe it)...and talking like crazy! He is ready for pre-school...he asks everyday to go to school! I may even have an opportunity to be a pre-school teacher....and bring him with me next fall! He is potty trained now too!! Praise the Lord! He is the bright spot of Mark and I's life, and we are so thankful to the Lord everyday for giving him to us!
This brings me to a heartache of our lives. It has been a tough year too, as many of you know we are not able to have biological children. The thing that is hard is that I felt like I had dealt with those issues of "womanhood" when Kman became a part of our family. However, I think that it will be a life long journey dealing with the inability to get pregnant. I don't really even think about becoming pregnant much (but it is hard to feel like a woman...when, your unable to have children), I just think and dream and pray that the Lord will bring another baby to us through adoption. It is hard when your heart is ready for something (another baby) but you have no control over it. I hear people talking and planning when they want more kids and how far apart they want their children and all of that is just so very foreign to me. Anyways, the Lord as always is working in me and through me, but it has been hard. We have in the last year gotten two phone calls for potential babies (both boys) but, it wasn't meant to be. I know God knows and I am trying to trust him. I am thankful for Kman and am blessed to have him...there was a day many years ago I didn't even think I would be a Mom and I had many very difficult Mother's Days and today on Mother's Day I feel so blessed to be called Mom. Here is a sweet story about Kman...today we were looking at some pictures and there was one with a Mom and her newborn baby, and he looked up at me and said "Mommy, how can get one of those babies?". He would be a great big brother.
Another heartache over these last two months is that I lost my twin brother.
He really was the closest person to me other than my parents and husband and son. We shared everything growing up....I remember asking Jesus as my Lord and Savior with Ben (we were 4 years old)....Ben asked me the day after "Do you think the angels are still rejoicing?" Mom told us they were rejoicing when we got saved! We had our own language for most of our toddler years...he was my "IO" and I was his "WA-WA". He defended me and stood up for me...even when boyfriends broke up with me. In 5th grade a boy I liked "broke up" with me and Ben gave him back a gift he had given me and told him that he could eat it with his snot! I have so many amazing memories of him. We celebrated all our birthdays together, had the same friends and had the same interests. In fact we both scored our 1000th career point in basketball within a week of eachother! We got our licenses together and went to the same college. I really don't have too many memories without him. He was an amazing man....he understood the grace of God better than anyone I have ever known. You see, he had a huge struggle in his life and he was never comfortable with it. He would have been the first to tell you he struggled, but boy did he love his God. He always, no matter how bad his struggle was would recognize the Lord and he always wanted to be free from his addiction...and he now is.
It is hard when life faces you with worst case scenarios ( I feel like I have had lot of those lately). I remember getting the phone call from my mom over 2 months ago at 1 am telling me Ben had fallen and had a brain injury. I knew it was bad, but never thought in a million years I wouldn't be able to hear him talk again, or see him smile or watch him play with Kman. When I first saw Ben in the hospital the first thing I noticed was his tattoos ( I am not a huge tattoo lover) but I LOVED Ben's tattoo's. They showed who he was, and showed his struggles but also his love for the Lord. The one I noticed was one on his belly that had praying hands and the words "Hold On, Be Strong" taken from Joshua 1:9 (his life verse). I prayed that over him as I stood with tears in my eyes.
Dad got the phone call at midnight...the doctor said "Do you have a son?" My dad said "Yes, I have several". The doctor then said "Does your son have a tattoo?" Dad said "Yes, several" Then the doctor said "Does your son have a tattoo that says HOPE?" Dad said "That's my son." Can you even imagine getting that call? We had always feared losing Ben, but even in fearing it you never think you are actually gonna face worse case scenarios like that. Ben dressed in layers always, and he did have his ID, but they didn't dig deep enough so they got his cell phone and scrolled down and saw "Folks" and that is how they knew to call Mom and Dad. Dad commented at Ben's funeral about the fact that out of all his tattoos, Ben was identified by his tattoo HOPE. Ben always had HOPE that he would be free from his struggles...and now his HOPE is a reality.
There are many things I can thank the Lord for even through this tragedy. All my other brothers flew in and we spent 3 days in the hospital with Ben. We were able to talk to him and sing to him and pray with him. We were able to love on him and tell him all that we needed to tell him. I am thankful we all (Mom, Dad, my other four brothers and spouses) ushered Ben into the kingdom of God. I am thankful that he went peacefully and quickly. I am thankful I had 29 years with him, I sure do wish I had more and can't imagine celebrating our birthdays without him or growing old with out him...but, I will always be thankful for the 29 amazing years I did have with him.
So what do you do when life knocks the wind out of you? Well, I am still figuring it out. All I know is that I miss my brother so much it physically hurts, but that God is good and someday I get to see him again. So, I guess I am not really doing anything other than putting one foot in front of the other and clinging to the cross.
I wish you all had a chance to know him like I did. He was an amazing brother, son, uncle and friend. He was crazy funny and could make you laugh just by making a face. He had an amazing ability to make you feel so special and loved, he always helped the underdog. He was a hard worker and very loved by all. I am happy his struggle is over and that he is whole and is with the one he loved most on earth, his Savior!
Oh, on a lighter note I am also training for a half marathon and full marathon. In fact I need to go running now... 9 miles today. Running is very therapeutic for me. I get to think and pray.
So that is what I have been up to...grieving, processing, running, counting my blessings and clinging to the cross like never before. People have asked us do you still trust God despite all the hardships you are facing (believe it or not we even have another major "heartache" going on in our lives that I can't share about now...if you think of us we'd appreciate prayer!) and to quote my amazing Dad "Yes, all the more."

I've been tagged-7 random things about me.

So, Vic from Painting4Him.blogspot.com has tagged me. Here it goes...it may be difficult for me to come up with 7 interesting random things about myself. I'll do my best.
I am not sure how to put the picture thing on here!!



1. I have 5 brothers and I am the youngest. I am even 15 minutes younger than my twin brother. I spent all of elementary school and jr. high career begging my mom to have another baby. I wonder why she thought 6 was enough?!!



2. I was an avid athlete. I played every sport my school offered and did pretty well in them all. Basketball was my favorite sport. I was in the gym just about every night after doing my homework and in the summer, as we lived right next to my school (my dad was/is the pastor of the church that founded the school). I used to shoot 100 foul shots just about every day and I recorded how many I made each time. I was the first girl to ever make 1000 career points in my high school and I did it within a week of my twin brother. 4 of my 5 brothers also hit 1000 career points in high school. I might add that my best friend is the only other girl to have hit that milestone too...and that was 10 years ago! I went on to play basketball at FLCC and Roberts Wesleyan College.



3. My first job was landscaping at my dad's church and LCS. I loved mowing because I always had a great tan. Since then I have worked at Tom Whal's, Cracker Barrel, Macaroni Grill, I have been a nanny, and I have taught P.E. and 5th and 6th grade. I have a teaching degree, and I hope to go back to teaching some day! When I was in college I worked 30 hours a week at Cracker Barrel, and played basketball...I was very busy, but liked it that way!



4. Speaking of tanning, I started an obsession in college. I used to tan 4-5 times a week for 2o minutes ...YIKES!!! I don't do that anymore!



5. One of my former boyfriends introduced me to Mark at the "Klatch" a coffee house run by him. I was in college. My boyfriend then dumped me, and I started attending EGC and got involved with "Passion for Him", which was a ministry run by Mark. I travelled and helped out as a leader. I didn't think of Mark romantically at first...after all he was too old for me! But then the Lord had other plans...it is funny because he and I went to a movie (one of the Star Wars movies) with mutual friends and that is the night we both felt like we could be more then friends. We knew that the Lord had a plan for us even though it took years for it to come to fruition.



6. I trained for a marathon, but then never ran in it. I was running 14-16 miles at a time. It is one of my life goals to run in one!!



7. My biggest fear since elementary school has been the fear of not being able to get pregnant...well, that fear has come true...but, God is so faithful and I am so happy that he is Sovereign and despite my biggest fear coming true, he has truly blessed me! I wouldn't change a thing because if I did...I wouldn't have the JOY of my heart...K-Man.

Thanks Vic for tagging me....it was fun coming up with 7 things about me! I have to think about who I want to tag next!