HOPE

It has been a very long time since I have blogged....to be honest life has knocked the wind out of me this last year. A lot has been going on, some of which I can't share and some of which I can. First, our little man is 3 and half now (can you even believe it)...and talking like crazy! He is ready for pre-school...he asks everyday to go to school! I may even have an opportunity to be a pre-school teacher....and bring him with me next fall! He is potty trained now too!! Praise the Lord! He is the bright spot of Mark and I's life, and we are so thankful to the Lord everyday for giving him to us!
This brings me to a heartache of our lives. It has been a tough year too, as many of you know we are not able to have biological children. The thing that is hard is that I felt like I had dealt with those issues of "womanhood" when Kman became a part of our family. However, I think that it will be a life long journey dealing with the inability to get pregnant. I don't really even think about becoming pregnant much (but it is hard to feel like a woman...when, your unable to have children), I just think and dream and pray that the Lord will bring another baby to us through adoption. It is hard when your heart is ready for something (another baby) but you have no control over it. I hear people talking and planning when they want more kids and how far apart they want their children and all of that is just so very foreign to me. Anyways, the Lord as always is working in me and through me, but it has been hard. We have in the last year gotten two phone calls for potential babies (both boys) but, it wasn't meant to be. I know God knows and I am trying to trust him. I am thankful for Kman and am blessed to have him...there was a day many years ago I didn't even think I would be a Mom and I had many very difficult Mother's Days and today on Mother's Day I feel so blessed to be called Mom. Here is a sweet story about Kman...today we were looking at some pictures and there was one with a Mom and her newborn baby, and he looked up at me and said "Mommy, how can get one of those babies?". He would be a great big brother.
Another heartache over these last two months is that I lost my twin brother.
He really was the closest person to me other than my parents and husband and son. We shared everything growing up....I remember asking Jesus as my Lord and Savior with Ben (we were 4 years old)....Ben asked me the day after "Do you think the angels are still rejoicing?" Mom told us they were rejoicing when we got saved! We had our own language for most of our toddler years...he was my "IO" and I was his "WA-WA". He defended me and stood up for me...even when boyfriends broke up with me. In 5th grade a boy I liked "broke up" with me and Ben gave him back a gift he had given me and told him that he could eat it with his snot! I have so many amazing memories of him. We celebrated all our birthdays together, had the same friends and had the same interests. In fact we both scored our 1000th career point in basketball within a week of eachother! We got our licenses together and went to the same college. I really don't have too many memories without him. He was an amazing man....he understood the grace of God better than anyone I have ever known. You see, he had a huge struggle in his life and he was never comfortable with it. He would have been the first to tell you he struggled, but boy did he love his God. He always, no matter how bad his struggle was would recognize the Lord and he always wanted to be free from his addiction...and he now is.
It is hard when life faces you with worst case scenarios ( I feel like I have had lot of those lately). I remember getting the phone call from my mom over 2 months ago at 1 am telling me Ben had fallen and had a brain injury. I knew it was bad, but never thought in a million years I wouldn't be able to hear him talk again, or see him smile or watch him play with Kman. When I first saw Ben in the hospital the first thing I noticed was his tattoos ( I am not a huge tattoo lover) but I LOVED Ben's tattoo's. They showed who he was, and showed his struggles but also his love for the Lord. The one I noticed was one on his belly that had praying hands and the words "Hold On, Be Strong" taken from Joshua 1:9 (his life verse). I prayed that over him as I stood with tears in my eyes.
Dad got the phone call at midnight...the doctor said "Do you have a son?" My dad said "Yes, I have several". The doctor then said "Does your son have a tattoo?" Dad said "Yes, several" Then the doctor said "Does your son have a tattoo that says HOPE?" Dad said "That's my son." Can you even imagine getting that call? We had always feared losing Ben, but even in fearing it you never think you are actually gonna face worse case scenarios like that. Ben dressed in layers always, and he did have his ID, but they didn't dig deep enough so they got his cell phone and scrolled down and saw "Folks" and that is how they knew to call Mom and Dad. Dad commented at Ben's funeral about the fact that out of all his tattoos, Ben was identified by his tattoo HOPE. Ben always had HOPE that he would be free from his struggles...and now his HOPE is a reality.
There are many things I can thank the Lord for even through this tragedy. All my other brothers flew in and we spent 3 days in the hospital with Ben. We were able to talk to him and sing to him and pray with him. We were able to love on him and tell him all that we needed to tell him. I am thankful we all (Mom, Dad, my other four brothers and spouses) ushered Ben into the kingdom of God. I am thankful that he went peacefully and quickly. I am thankful I had 29 years with him, I sure do wish I had more and can't imagine celebrating our birthdays without him or growing old with out him...but, I will always be thankful for the 29 amazing years I did have with him.
So what do you do when life knocks the wind out of you? Well, I am still figuring it out. All I know is that I miss my brother so much it physically hurts, but that God is good and someday I get to see him again. So, I guess I am not really doing anything other than putting one foot in front of the other and clinging to the cross.
I wish you all had a chance to know him like I did. He was an amazing brother, son, uncle and friend. He was crazy funny and could make you laugh just by making a face. He had an amazing ability to make you feel so special and loved, he always helped the underdog. He was a hard worker and very loved by all. I am happy his struggle is over and that he is whole and is with the one he loved most on earth, his Savior!
Oh, on a lighter note I am also training for a half marathon and full marathon. In fact I need to go running now... 9 miles today. Running is very therapeutic for me. I get to think and pray.
So that is what I have been up to...grieving, processing, running, counting my blessings and clinging to the cross like never before. People have asked us do you still trust God despite all the hardships you are facing (believe it or not we even have another major "heartache" going on in our lives that I can't share about now...if you think of us we'd appreciate prayer!) and to quote my amazing Dad "Yes, all the more."