We are dedicating JJ tonight at church....and I am giving my testimony. I am nervous as I don't like to speak in fron of people, but know that I need to share my heart. This is what I am going to be saying...
For those of you that don’t know Mark and I that well, I’d like to start by saying that we have been married for close to 10 years and we knew that we wanted children right away. We shortly found out that having a family would not come easily for us. We went through years of fertility treatment with no success, and we were eventually told we would not be able to have children which was extremely hard to swallow…while pursuing fertility options we were also pursuing adoption….which was not an easy road either…but, we finally got a phone call on ____ and the person on the other end said that we had a baby boy!!! We were beyond excited…We picked up our new baby boy from the hospital the very next day and named him KMan…he was 3 days old…he is our 1st miracle boy!
3 years ago Mark and I were going through a lot of trials and losses. We wanted our family to grow but we were going through extreme financial crisis –We did have 2 phone calls for babies…one was a baby girl the other a baby boy…neither of those situations worked out in large part due to our finances….this was devastating for us.
Because of our financial crisis (which included loss of relationships too)…we were also losing our house. This was extremely difficult and humbling. We had to sell a lot of our possessions…things that didn’t really matter, but hard none the less.
On top of all of this my twin brother Ben had a fall on March 2nd 2009 and sustained a brain injury to his brain stem…which is the worst possible place to have a brain injury…we spent 4 days in the hospital with him…until he went home to be with the Lord on March 6th…I was completely devastated to say the least…devastated on all fronts of life.
I began to question God’s love for me, and questioned if he was truly good…I felt very alone and depressed.
I decided to do a very unspiritual thing to help me cope with all the losses…I began to train for a marathon. I decided to run the race in memory of my brother, but dedicated all my training to the LORD….which was a lot of hours as I ran a total of 576 miles in the span of 5 months.
I would listen to music and cry out to God to speak to me…one song that I would replay over and over again was “Oh how he loves me” by the David Crowder Band. The verse I would re listen to over and over again says this “He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His mercy-when all of a sudden I am unaware of the afflictions eclipsed by His glory. And I realize just how beautiful you are, and how great your affections are for me.” ALL of a sudden my training for a marathon became the most spiritual thing I’ve ever done b/c God began speaking to me…especially through music. I heard him say “I love you, I am Good, you CAN trust me.” I remember running and crying and grieving my losses-but I began to do those things with Hope and peace in my heart…I was beginning to understand that the circumstances in my life were not a reflection of the amount of LOVE that He has for me.
One other song by the David Crowder band that I would listen to on repeat was “Just you and ME” which says “take my fret, take my fear, all I have, I’m leaving here. BE all my HOPeS, be all my dreams, be all my delights, be my everything.” HE was becoming my everything.
While training for my marathon I began to ask God for breakthrough in our family…that he would give us another child…I was truly at peace either way…but asked anyways, I promised God that if we did have another child that I would take every opportunity I had to testify to His love, and faithfulness in my life and give Him all the glory....which is why I am standing up here tonight. During the times I questioned His faithfulness…anther song that ministered to me was by Steven Curtis Chapman called “You are Faithful” which says..
"I am broken, I am bleedingI am scared and I’m confusedI am weary, unbelievingGod, please help my unbelief'Cause You are faithfulI will proclaim it to the worldI will declare it to my heartI'll sing it when the sun is shiningI will scream it in the darkWhen You give and when You take awayEven then, still Your Name is FaithfulYou are faithfulAnd with everything inside of meI am choosing to believeYou are faithful. "I and chose and still choose to believe that HE is faithful….
6 months after my marathon I found out I was pregnant. I can’t even tell you what my heart felt the day I found out…we had been trying for over 8 years…and were told by doctors that it wouldn’t ever happen…I am so thankful for the time I spent with the Lord training for my marathon…so thankful he changed my life..so thankful for our miracle boy #2 JJ….I hope that when you hear my story you are encouraged and no matter what losses you are experiencing or what you are waiting for you too can hold on to Him and His promise and rest and trust in His faithfulness. I am so overwhelmed with thankfulness as we dedicate JJ tonight.