Faithfulness

After my blog a few months ago...It is still somewhat unreal to me...but, God has blessed us...and we are pregnant. I am just about finished with my 1st trimester. We have had two appointments one at 7 weeks where they did a "viability" ultrasound. We got to see our little peanut and his/or her fluttering heartbeat. It was amazing. Then last week at 11 weeks I went for my first "real" appointment and got to hear the heartbeat. I cried so much...I was just feeling so blessed and amazed!

Mark and I had been trying to get pregnant and went back to the fertility doctor's in late April. We had a new doctor who had a TOTALLY different perspective than our doctor 6 years ago (we went through infertility before Kman-we did several procedures...none worked...obviously!). Needless, to say we got pregnant on our first try...and we were not on any hormones. I got a call several days before my period was due (I went and got routine blood work) and they said that the blood work tested positive...I was SHOCKED to say the least. It was the first positive test we have had in 8 years. I thought the nurse on the other end was lying. I couldn't believe it....I literally crumbled to the ground and cried! I asked her again "are you sure"....my period isn't even due quite yet! So the rest of the week, I was excited, but also very anxious. I had to go back several times for blood work to make sure the hormones where doubling. There are times I think really trust God...but, then I realize it is such a process. I was so anxious for about 2-3 weeks...and really had to spend time reading God's word and focusing on Him and trusting in Him .

I still have moments of panic...."Is this really happening?" "Am I really pregnant after ALL these years?" But, in it all my HOPE is still in Him and I am so thankful for the life HE has created within me!!!!!

By the way, can you tell how excited Kman is??? He has been praying for about 6 months for a baby brother or sister....actually he has been praying for BOTH!! =)

Hope

We are in to our 7th year of infertility....it has been one of the hardest things in my life to deal with and trust God in...and yet, it has also been such a blessing. Without our years of infertility we wouldn't have our amazing son now. I wouldn't change anything because if I did, then maybe we wouldn't have checked into adoption....and yet there are days I see other families growing and it is hard. There are days I ask God "WHY?" and "WHY does it have to be so hard?". I thought that I had dealt with the issues that go along with infertility, but I am realizing that it will be a lifetime process for me. It is not something I will just get over. It is a loss in my life, and it is hard. However, I do trust God and know without a doubt he loves me and he has good things for me. After all, HE is the one who gave me my (our) son!

For about 5 years I have received an amazing publication about infertility...it has given me so much encouragement over the years. Reading people's stories makes me see that there are other couples that understand....who have walked the same road.
I would like to share a poem that was written to give you a glimpse of the pain that comes with infertility. There have been months I have felt like this...not every month...and more in the beginning of our journey...but, sometimes these feelings do creep in still.

"Today someone's hopes lay dying against the rocks
Today the waves come crashing down
Reminding her of what is not to be
Reminding her that in the nine months there will be no tiny feet
Her husbands eyes won't be staring back
Her nose won't be crinkled on another little face
She beats the ground with her balled up fist
She wipes the tears and puts on a calm face
Wondering if this nightmare will ever fade at last
Advice is offered once again, it's not the right time
Advice is offered once again, relax and it will happen
But the pain still feels the same, gut-wrenching
But the pain still feels the same, heart-breaking
And no amount of comfort can be offered
And no consoling words can bring relief
She watches other ships sail in the distance
She watches other families grow and evolve
In the flotsam and jetsam she waits, struggling to stay afloat
In the cold harsh water she clings to the cross she bears."

My hope is in the Lord, and maybe someday he will bless us with more children but maybe not...either way my HOPE is in HIM. I will hold onto hope. He is my hope.
Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

LOVE my little man.

Future Marathoner??

My Parents

These pictures (taken by Andrea) speak a thousand words. It has been a tough year, a tough journey...filled with emotions like; sadness, heartbreak, anger, denial, etc....my twin brother is gone, my parent's son is gone. I ran this race in memory of him and it meant a lot to my parents, as I think you can see in these pictures. It obviously doesn't bring him back, but I am realizing how important it is to remember him....it is especially important to Mom and Dad.

More Race Day Pics.

Thank you to Andrea for these great pics.

Marathon

Well, I did it. I dedicated my run in memory of my twin brother Ben who fought the fight and finished the race.
It felt great most of the time. I ran the first 13 miles on my own and then Mark, and a few of my friends tagged along the the next 11 miles. It was so helpful having people cheer me on! My goal was to run the race in 4 and a half hours. I ran it in 4 hours and 43 minutes. So, not too far off. I stayed on track for a little over half of it. I did hit the dreaded "wall" from mile 22-25, but then my adrenaline kicked in and I felt pretty good. I am sore, but not too sore! I think I may even run another one someday, but not for a while!

Here are a few pics.

Mile 3 and smiling!

Mile 13 and still smiling!

Mile 21 and not so much smiling...even though you can't see my face!
mile 22...almost there...where i hit the "wall".before the race

it was 42 degrees when i started to run.

must go pee one more time!

leaving for the race at 6am.

one of my biggest fans!

At the end of the race, I was emotional as my marathon had less to do with the running as it did it's meaning for me. I thought of Ben a lot and was honored to run in his memory.
K said to me at the finish "Mommy, great job winning the race, I am so proud of you." I didn't, obviously win the race, but in a way I did. Thanks to all who came out to support me and helped make it so special.

No turning back....I registered for the Marathon!

Well, there is no turning back...I registered for my marathon. It is October 4th...and after another long run of 18 miles I think I am gonna be able to do it!
I am already thinking about what I will do when my training is over...it has taken soo many hours each week to train. It has felt amazing....for so many reasons. Running/training has helped me in my grief and depression, it has helped me draw nearer to the Lord, it has made me feel more like myself than I have in a long time, given me more energy and helped me be a better wife and mom...and the icing on the cake...I have lost 25 pounds!
Anyways, can't wait to cross the finish line...I will post pictures after the race...I probably won't blog before my marathon...I have one more intense week of training and then I will taper, but have a lot to do these next few weeks!